Overcoming Self-doubt- 9 Practical Ways That Actually Work!
CHAPTER THREE: True Self-Confidence, The Antidote For Self-Doubt
“If you hear a voice within you saying, ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” - Vincent Van Gogh
You become what you think. The law of concentration says that- anything you dwell upon grows into your reality. Anything that occupies your mind long and hard enough eventually becomes a significant part of your mental process. If you want to move from self-doubt to self-confidence, replace all forms of doubt in your mind with self-confidence. That is it. End of the chapter.
To replace self-doubt with self-confidence, you need to:
Understand self-confidence.
Recognize the source of self-confidence.
Recognize how deep self-doubt has been eating into you because that determines how deep your self-confidence needs to go.
What Really Is Self-Confidence?
Self-confidence is not about arrogance or exaltation like most believe. I am better than others. I am the special one. I am King of the Hill. No, you’re not. You're a cocky, arrogant douchebag. Self-confidence is not only a blind trust in your abilities. Although competence births confidence, that is not all.
Furthermore, self-confidence is not an absolute absence of fear or self-doubt. The self-confident state is not a dreamland where you have unrestricted courage or bravery. Self-confidence means being grounded in your sense of self: knowing who you are, what you value, and the hard work you’ve put in. Confidence is a mysterious trait and can be easily misunderstood as a feeling. Most times, we say things like — I feel confident today. I can run 10 kilometers in 30 minutes on the treadmill. We associate our confidence with a feeling of calmness and assurance. That is good, but confidence is not a feeling because when you practice it as a feeling, it becomes a catch-22. If you do not feel confident, you’ll be unable to run 10 kilometers. You are attaching your productivity to a particular feeling.
Confidence is your willingness to take steps towards your goals even when anxiety is kicking in your face because the outcome is unknown. Confidence is a healthy blend of courage, competence, and self-compassion. Your actions come before your feelings. Actions are guided by values and the things you care about. Your value creates your confidence.
What do you see When you create a picture of a confident person? You might be thinking of someone who takes big, bold actions. Or someone who has zero fears. But do you know that there can be a lot of boldness and bravery in taking small steps? Do you know that confidence isn’t bravery, but bravery is a part of confidence. And confidence isn’t a thing you possess every moment of the day. Confidence isn’t jumping instantly into perfect self-assurance. Confidence is a choice to make incremental changes in your life and build yourself to own your accomplishments and reinforce others. You attain self-confidence through incremental changes or steps toward your goal.
For example, Jane moved to a new city with her husband and wanted to make more friends. She saw the poster for a free poetry workshop at the local cafe and was immediately interested because she had always enjoyed writing. As the day approached, she became hesitant to attend. What if she was asked to read her amateur poem for everyone? "I can go, and not speak much," she told herself.
Jane arrived at the cafe shop, and they were all warm and welcoming. She introduced herself to a few others and participated in the writing prompts exercise. When the instructor asked for volunteers to read their poems, she stayed silent even though she had most of her poems with her. At the end of the meeting, she raised her hand to thank the teacher for the workshop.
Although Jane didn’t get to read her poems to others, she was able to thank the teacher in front of everyone. Raising her hand to speak to one person in front of others is a confident step toward eliminating her fear of speaking in public. There’ll be another poetry workshop next month, and by that time, she’ll be bold enough to read her amateur poems to everyone and would have made many friends.
Confidence births confidence. Going to the poetry workshop is a step toward confidence for Jane, and speaking to thank the instructor is another step toward self-confidence. This is why it is pivotal for us to recognize the fundamental source of our confidence so we can successfully build on it.
Recognizing the Source Of Your Confidence
I mentioned earlier that confidence comes from what you value. Your starting point towards a higher level of self-confidence and success is to clarify your values. What do you believe in? What do you stand for? And even more, what will you not stand for? What values would you pay for or die for? Do you value family? Your health? God? Or your career? Values are more than beliefs. If you’re finding it hard to know your values, take a few seconds to ponder on things you spend your time doing. You value whatever takes your time because time is something we all value. Think and write down what you value.
Next, what are the qualities you most admire in others? Think about the men and women you most admire, living or dead. What qualities do these individuals have that are important to you? If you could be like anyone right now, who would it be? What qualities do you look for in your friends? What qualities do you look for in your associates? You may be unknowingly imitating some qualities in these people. Those qualities can serve as a foundation for your confidence.
There is a huge pool of what can become your source of confidence. I call this pool — the self-confidence externalities. If your confidence isn’t coming from within, then you’re sourcing for it from without. Imagine you’re walking into a firm without an appointment to see the CEO. You see others who are sitting in the waiting area, and you just walk past them, not because you’re cocky, but because the CEO is your childhood friend, and he phoned you to come over. My self-confidence externalities contain factors like:
Who do you know (your network, like in the CEO example above)
Your physical features
Your higher education
Personal relationships
Position or Accomplishments that may not necessarily be yours
All these factors can also be a source of self-confidence based on how you utilize them. Intrinsic items like talents, skills, and past achievements can also boost self-confidence. However, one shouldn’t make the mistake of considering self-competence as self-confidence. Although, you can build your confidence from your competence. That is why knowledge is also one of the primary sources of self-confidence.
A deep inner trust in yourself based on living a life of integrity can also serve as a foundation for self-confidence. Once you’ve persisted through great adversity, you’ll find it easy to continue through a lesser difficulty, and once you’ve acted courageously in a major confrontation, you’ve set the winning stage for future adversities. You develop inner strength by facing problems that challenge your inner strength. Your behavior crystallizes your personality until the trust in your inner strength becomes your exceptional character or personality.
Overall, your value remains an unshakable source of self-confidence. When selecting a value, you’re declaring to uphold a unifying principle that you will never compromise. Your adherence to your values is a real measure of your character. Your unshakable commitment to your values produces unshakable confidence in yourself. Your value brings a deep sense of personal power, and that power is what is needed for self-confidence.
#To Be Continued
Introduction| Chapter One| Chapter Two (a)| Chapter Two (b)|